By Sylvianne Rivest, Writer
The stages of grief, an inappropriate term
At this point, we redefine who we are, in resonance with each phase of our lives and in consideration of the loss of our loved one.
The idea here is to opt for a made-to-measure approach, integrating this absence, making it our own and trying to see how our life will now go on. We can't go back to the beginning, but we can go on from where we've been and where we are now.
Psychosocial coach Michel Trozzo likes to call these phases "the waves of grief". The waves are sometimes stronger, sometimes softer, and may overlap. The bereaved person doesn't necessarily experience them in the order listed below, since we are all different, with different experiences and backgrounds. So let's honor our differences: they are our wealth and what makes us so precious to those around us.
Let's discover the 5 waves of grief
1. THE ANESTHETIZED BRAIN
The first wave is that of the anesthetized brain, associated with shock, denial and avoidance. In other words, at this moment, we know very well that something serious has happened, but we feel it less.
2. THE THAW
When the thaw occurs, the anesthetic wears off and we start to feel ill. It's a time when you're faced with a whole range of emotions: anger, regret, shame, guilt, sadness and so on. In fact, this is where all emotions emerge.
3. THE DEPRESSIVE PHASE
During this wave, we realize that our loved one will never return. This is one of the most important and difficult phases. It's crucial, because if you don't realize that your loved one is really gone, you won't be able to organize yourself in any other way, in harmony with the new reality.
4. EXPERIMENTATION
In this phase, we experiment solutions. You don't find them all at once; you "shop for solutions", as Michel Trozzo would say. You have to adjust your solutions to yourself, and steer clear of ready-made recipes - after all, we're all unique.
5. REORGANIZATION
It's at this point that we redefine who we are, in resonance with each phase of our lives and in consideration of the loss of our loved one.
The idea here is to opt for a made-to-measure approach, integrating this absence, making it our own and trying to see how our life will now go on. We can't go back to the beginning, but we can go on from where we've been and where we are now.
The stages of our life reactivated
Bereavement forces us to rebuild ourselves. It's painful, but it's also an opportunity. Rather like a Russian doll (Matryoshka), we carry within us everything we've lived through. What others see of us on the outside is only where we are today, but we're home to every stage of our lives, and they're alive and well within us.
The "waves of mourning" awaken certain phases that have led to who we are today, and what constitutes our identity: child, adolescent, adult, etc. Each of these stages implies a different set of characteristics. Each of these stages implies different reactions.
Michel Trozzo suggests that we learn to dialogue with these parts of ourselves, with the adult we've become as the speaker.
THE CHILD:
We often associate the child with the most fragile part of us, the one who feels deprived and needs to be protected, or even with the whiner. We also associate it with our desire to play candidly. In short, everything that existed at that time in our lives.
During a period of mourning, the child often resurfaces, but especially with the impression of not having the necessary resources to carry on. It's true that we didn't have them as children, but today's adult has gone through more than one trial and developed more than one skill.
THE TEENAGER:
We associate the teenager above all with our rebellious, uncompromising side, with that revolted part of us that denounces injustice, protests and has a whirlwind of contradictory emotions.
Grieving is indeed unfair. Losing someone you love is ugly. Unfortunately, it's inescapable, it's an inevitable part of life. It's also normal to have conflicting emotions. Now, at the age we're at, it's also possible to shed light on the difficulties we've experienced in the past and how we've managed to reorganize ourselves.
Am I normal?
To learn more about the 4 questions most frequently asked when encountering "The Waves of Grief", follow this link.
Memoria offer its families six free sessions with one of our psychosocial coach. The six sessions can be dedicated to one family member (who needs them most) or divided between several members of the same family.
Also, every Monday from 1 to 4 p.m., you can join Memoria's free group sessions on bereavement, led by psychosocial coach Michel Trozzo.
Because we know how difficult this time can be, Memoria has developed more than just a memorial service. Follow this link to learn more about the support services available to you.
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